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How to Manage Toxic Parents Without Severing Ties

 

You’ve probably come across different opinions and stories from experts and non-experts alike about handling toxic parents and their impact on your relationship. 

 

Many suggest cutting ties is the best option for protecting your mental, emotional, and relationship well-being. And while that might be necessary in some cases, cutting off your parents should really be a last resort—not the first move, and you’ll learn why as you read on.

 

First, to give you a solid understanding of the topic, we have to talk about something that’s rarely discussed in the parent-relationship dynamic; the two ways parental influence manifests: Direct and Indirect influence. 

 

Understanding both will allow you to gain clarity on exactly how your parents impact your bond with your partner, know where to make changes (external or self-work sometimes), and how to go about these changes in the healthiest way possible.

 

Direct vs. Indirect Influence

Indirect Influence:

These are the beliefs and behaviors we’ve picked up from our parents and upbringing that shape how we handle our relationships. Maybe you grew up in a home where the roles were reversed, and you had to take care of your parents. Or perhaps you lived in a household where feelings were ignored, and problems were swept under the rug. These patterns, ingrained in us since childhood, influence how we handle stress, communicate, and express emotions with our partners.

 

And while cutting off your parents might seem like a quick fix, it won’t solve the deeper, internalized issues from your upbringing. Healing in this case requires more than physical distance, which we’ll explore in another article.

 

Direct Influence:

What about when your parents are actively toxic? If they’re directly harming your relationship, cutting ties can seem like a more immediate solution. But remember, your parents are a part of your life, and maintaining some level of connection might be important for you and your family. So before jumping to this drastic step, here are things you can try to reduce their negative influence. 

 

Managing Family Influence Without Cutting Ties

1. Setting Healthy Boundaries: You’ve likely heard the importance of setting boundaries again and again, and that’s because it works. Here are tips to enforce boundaries effectively.

• Be specific and clear: Explicitly communicate what you need. For example, “I don’t want you to pressure me about having kids or criticize my partner.”
• Set limits: Put clear restrictions in place eg. “We’ll only accept three calls a week,” or “You can visit once a month.”
• Enforce consequences: If they cross a boundary, be ready to follow through with consequences. And actually put it into action.

 

2. Engaging in Constructive Conversations with Family: In many cases, parents don’t realize how harmful their actions are because they genuinely believe they’re helping. Sitting them down and explaining how their behavior impacts your relationship could change things. When you do this, avoid casting blame. Instead, speak from your perspective: “When you say X, it puts stress on my relationship,” rather than “You’re ruining my relationship.”

 

3. Utilizing Family Therapy or Coaching: If boundaries and conversations don’t lead to positive change, family therapy might be the next step. A neutral third party can help mediate and improve communication between you, your partner, and your parents. Therapy can also help establish healthy boundaries, leading to a more balanced dynamic.

 

Managing Harmful Family Dynamics in Long-Distance or Multicultural Relationships

 

Toxic family dynamics can become even more pronounced in long-distance relationships. You may deal with constant calls, surprise visits, or emotional manipulation through guilt-tripping (eg “how could you leave us and live so far away?”). In these cases, setting boundaries around communication and visits becomes essential. Make sure decisions are made between you and your partner, and not influenced by your parents.

 

Multicultural Relationships and Family Expectations

 

Navigating family expectations in multicultural relationships adds another layer of complexity. Parents may hold onto cultural norms about family loyalty, gender roles, or religious practices, making it hard to find a middle ground. If direct communication doesn’t work, family therapy can help bridge that gap and foster mutual understanding.

 

When Cutting Off Your Parents Becomes Necessary

If you’ve tried setting boundaries, had tough conversations, and even sought therapy but nothing has changed—or worse, their behavior has escalated—cutting ties might be your only option. But before taking that final step, ask yourself these questions:

 

• Do they repeatedly violate my boundaries without remorse?

• Do they seem more focused on sabotaging my relationship than on helping it succeed?

• Do they disrespect my decisions and my partner’s?

 

If you’ve answered yes to these, it may be time to take that difficult step and cut ties.

 

In the next article, we’ll explore how to navigate the aftermath of cutting off your parents—how to manage your own emotions, handle extended family relationships, and deal with the impact on your children, if you have them.